Daring Leadership Begins in a Daring Relationship with Yourself

This week I had a client who was struggling with a difference of opinion between them and their boss. They knew they were ready for a promotion, but their boss wanted them to make a lateral move. They were feeling disempowered and stuck.

We coached around Brené Brown's research-backed insights of standing in your story and embracing vulnerability as my client grappled with their fears, insecurities, and belief in themselves. If they didn’t speak up, they wouldn’t influence the trajectory of their career. If they did speak up…they may have their insecurities confirmed.

To help them weigh up the situation I asked, “What’s at risk if you ask for what you want?”

No one likes to hear the word ‘no’. Especially if what we are asking for comes from a vulnerable place. It took a while for my client to understand what I was inviting them to see: that their assessment of their worth (and story) could be different from their boss’s.

They began to consider pitching themselves. They explored the question of what was at stake if they raised their hand. They began to get curious about what could be gained if they shared their truth and asked to be considered for the promotion.

If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward you are always in the same place. -Nora Roberts

As the light began to go on for my client, they recalled the story of a teacher they’d had in high school.

Periodically, this teacher would circulate around the class and ask, “Have you asked anyone out lately?”

Turning his head to another student, “Have you asked anyone out lately?”

Pointing across the room, “How about you, asked anyone out lately?”

In his own way, the teacher was raising the students' awareness of their relationship with vulnerability, asking, Have you put yourself out there recently? Are YOU believing in YOU? Are you picking yourself?

When the light was shining fully, my client said, “I have to choose myself. I have to pick me and pitch my vision of myself to my boss. The worst that could happen is that he says no. Either way he would have heard my truth of the situation. I may gain his respect. He may begin to see me the way I see myself. Either way, I will respect and trust myself.

You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness. -Brené Brown

So how can you foster a daring relationship with yourself?

We each have to choose what feels best for us, but here are a few of my favorite Brené Brown tools:

1. Practice self-love. Combat insecurity and build shame resilience by saying to yourself, “I am enough.” There is something about hearing it said out loud that helps foster a compassionate inner voice.

We live in a culture of scarcity, of never enough. There is only one way out of scarcity – and that is enoughness. At some point we need to say: I am enough. -Brené Brown

2. Get vulnerable. Practicing vulnerability is being comfortable with being uncomfortable. It's about embracing risk, uncertainty and emotional exposure in order to express your truth.

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness. -Brené Brown

3. Always be BRAVING trust. Trust yourself by creating healthy boundaries, being reliable, building accountability, not sharing from the vault, maintaining integrity, practicing non-judgement, and offering generosity.

When we trust we are braving connection. -Brené Brown

4. Stand in your story. Everyone’s story is one of the good, the bad and the ugly. When we are courageous enough to share our stories, we can be seen as our whole selves. This opens the door to accountability, growth, and connection.

There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in. -Leonard Cohen, Anthem

By practicing self-love, vulnerability, trust, and standing in your story you can build a daring relationship with yourself. When you have a daring relationship with yourself you don’t need to stand in a crowd of people, waiting to be plucked by someone from above. You know how to find the nearest chair to stand on, wave your hands in the air and yell, “Over here! Yah, right here! Pick me! I can do it! Here’s what I know I can do. And here’s why you need it.”

Daring leadership begins in developing a daring relationship with yourself. So dare greatly, stand up on the chair, and be the teller of your story.

When we have the courage to walk into our story and own it, we get to write the ending. -Brené Brown, Dare To Lead

By Adele Fraser, BA BED CPHR PCC IRG Associate Coach