You Are Not Alone

A powerful moment emerged in a group I was facilitating this morning when one of the participants made this observation; “we are all having a similar experience.” In other words, we are not alone.  She was vulnerable and shared that while the content we were exploring was challenging (how our shame shows up at work), understanding our shame and talking about it in a small group helped her see that she is not alone in this experience of shame. 

So much magic happened in that moment when she chose to be brave by sharing her truth and being vulnerable.  Her story was met with empathy and compassion, which then unlocked more sharing within the group and a realization that they were not alone in their experience of feeling shame. And, in case you thought vulnerability and connection is only possible in a face-to-face environment, all of this took place virtually! 

This team is working through the Dare to Lead™ training and exploring really challenging topics that include how our shame drives our behaviour at work. I shared some of the inner narratives that are a by-product of shame. Any of these sound familiar? 

Who do you think you are? 
You aren’t worthy of this . . .
You don’t belong here . . .
You aren’t good enough . . .

Shame is often an unspoken human emotion; we don’t really want to name it and we really don’t want to experience it, and yet it is an uncomfortable emotion we all experience.  You are not alone if those soundtracks run through your mind at work, at home, and in your friendships. Brené talks about building “shame resilience” because we can never avoid feeling shame, it is part of our humanness. The antidote to shame is twofold; empathy and self-compassion.  

Speaking about our shame experiences out loud with a trusted friend or colleague takes the power away from shame. Brené says “shame loves secrecy, but when you bring it out into the light and speak about it and it is met with empathy, shame can’t survive”.  I experienced this recently when I shared a bad parenting moment with a friend and she listened and acknowledged how that must have felt, and normalized the whole experience with a response like “yeah, I’ve been there too,” which made me feel like I wasn’t alone. Hiding from our shame just gives it roots, and while it is scary to talk about it, I can tell you that it is incredibly freeing when you find the right place to talk it through and it is met with empathy and compassion. 

So, how are you responding when people close to you are sharing hard things? Are you creating space where people feel seen, heard and understood? Often, we want to fix the problem for the person sharing or confiding in us, but what we need to do is be truly empathetic: sit alongside them and listen without judgement. This is what people need from us most.

As we all navigate the next stretch of the pandemic—living, learning and working in distributed settings—the skills we need to cultivate are the ability to listen, stay curious and practice empathy and compassion as we figure out the way forward individually and collectively. Whatever you are experiencing right now, trust me, you are not alone. 

The inspiration for this blog post from a Dare to Lead™ training session. We are offering Dare to Lead™ this fall and would love to have you join us! Visit our website for more details at www.inspiredresultsgroup.com