Being Wordless
Today’s title is a simple meditative prompt taken from Richard Wagamese’s book Embers. It is the latest in a number of reminders for me to sit into and be okay with silence. By being silent we can take in the environment around us, pay attention to others, to ourselves, to our breathing. I asked a coaching question this week, (okay a series of questions on a theme!), “When you are in a meeting and silence descends on the group, what does that mean to you? Do you hold that space, or break the silence? Why?”
I am curious to know how to interpret that silence. From a psychological safety perspective, we can wonder…” Is the silence a product of fear? Is no one speaking up for fear of being chastised, or blamed?” Or….” Is this a rich and respectful way for the members of the group to contemplate the issue before them and to wrestle with the solution?” It can of course be both, which makes being curious as to why the origin is so important!
Kate Murphy in her book You’re Not Listening says that “online and in person it’s about defining yourself, shaping the narrative, and staying on message. Value is placed on what you project not on what you absorb.” If we hold that as a truth then seeking to fill the void of silence with conversation, an idea, or just noise is something that we can all relate to. In our rush to fill that uncomfortable gap of silence we don’t create space for ourselves to be curious to listen and benefit from the ideas and contributions of others, particularly those members of the group who may be more comfortable processing internally, and who are introverted or anxious. And sometimes of course people simply don’t understand the question and are gathering the courage to speak up.
One of my favorite pieces of classical music is Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings. It has two memorable elements – one is the building of a haunting escalation of notes leading to a climax of sound, the other is the pause of silence that immediately follows and lasts for about 15 seconds and enters the score when the piece is 80% complete. What’s the point of that silence?
The point is - it draws me in. It has me pay attention to what I just heard, and I am suddenly hanging on for the next passage. I don’t know why Barber introduced it, but the effect is so powerful.
Silence. If I pay attention to it, it will allow me to hear more of the messages my clients are stating and the ones they are not. If I pay attention to the pauses, the intonations, and the pace of speech, I will hear excitement, fear and a plethora of other emotions. This is the space where I seek to understand, by listening with intention, and it’s something I have to practice, constantly!
Throughout much of my career, I have been rewarded for my knowing. I have a skill set that was built around problem-solving and, in many ways, particularly in my more senior roles, I was a “fire-fighter”, putting out the latest fire, avoiding crisis. This mindset had created a “cut to the chase” mentality and together with the fact that as senior leader I was often in a mentorship role, placed me in the position of coming up with answers. This is the hardest thing for me to let go as a coach, but I understand that in addition to hearing the silence of others, by listening actively, I also need to create silence in my head. I need to calm the voice that says, “I think I know how to solve the client’s problem”– I just need to listen – to pay attention and to honor the silence. I will hear so much. I will learn even more.
My acceptance as a witness on the journey with my client puts me in the role of learner, not expert. Whether it is conversation or music, sound without pause and the gaps of silence- is just noise. We benefit as much from the space between sounds as the sounds themselves. This is what gives meaning.
I would be curious to know how silence serves you! Please leave your thoughts in the comments below.