It's not about you...

This was the hard truth I shared with a coaching client last week – “it’s not about you”. Of course, I presented it in a coach-like fashion of sharing an observation that she was putting a lot of pressure on herself to come up with the perfect plan for her team while making all of the decisions before September 1st. I made this observation because it felt like I had joined the pressure cooker with her and the intensity to “get things right” and create the perfect conditions for the team to be successful was palpable. This leader is building a new team in a high-profile department and just like you, she wants to create the conditions for her team to be successful– and that was manifesting in a ton of pressure to get it right, with no room for error. Sound familiar?

I see this pattern a lot in my high performing clients, and maybe it is a little bit like looking in a mirror, so I am familiar with this feeling of high expectations of self.  As leaders of teams, this behaviour of “leading perfectly” is a self-fulfilling prophecy for burnout because there is NO SUCH THING!  And if we lean on Brené Brown’s wisdom, that perfection pressure becomes our armour, which pushes people away leading to an absence of connection and collaboration with our team members. Making all the decisions for our team with the intention of making it easier for them, lightening their load or shielding them from some bad behaviour isn’t actually sustainable for leaders. The environments we are leading in are constantly changing, people’s needs are unique, and the landscape is complex. We cannot take this all on ourselves and expect it to be sustainable or effective in building the culture of connection and trust that we desire for our team.

When I made the observation that “it’s not about you”, it opened the conversation up for her to think about them – her team. This new team is full of talented superstars who are excited to work with her and build this new department. She had been singing their praises throughout the call but had forgotten that she can invite them into the process of creating their new reality together. The story she was holding in her mind was that she needed to create the conditions for them to walk into a completed container and then the work could begin. As we explored this strategy, she realized that she was leaving out key data about their preferences, strengths and areas of interest that could inform a better project outcome with everyone involved and engaged. As she expressed this realization of shared leadership, her voice became calmer and the energy in the conversation shifted from pressure infused, to curious optimism. Her observation became “It’s about them, not me” and she sounded lighter and energized as she said that out loud.

Making this shift requires a lot of self-awareness, skill building, vulnerability, and courage!  This leader is one of our Dare to Lead™ and Courageous Coaching for Leaders alumni and like so many of our clients, she is practicing her learning in real time every single day. Join us at www.inspiredresultsgroup.com and invest in your leadership learning and become a courageous coaching leader who knows how to reset and create space for others. 

Diane Lloyd CEC PCC- IRG Head Coach