You may not be as compassionate as you think you are…..
Over the past few weeks, we’ve been exploring the 6 C’s in the Courageous Leadership in Times of Uncertainty framework. I created the FREE 7 day Courageous Leadership Micro Course to support our clients, community and frankly, my own leadership, during a time that has tested all of us. The concept of being a compassionate leader is more complex than it looks on the surface. You may immediately think of compassion as an outwardly focused trait; compassion for others and what they’re facing and creating in their lives. While that is a key leadership behaviour, the other perspective is compassion for self. Personally, I've found self-compassion to be the most challenging piece of the leadership puzzle to practice consistently.
Nicole McLellan, IRG Associate Coach and Facilitator has created a meditation to support you in cultivating compassion - both for self and others.
Compassion for Others
I live in British Columbia and our province has been led by a calm, clear and compassionate Public Health Officer, Dr. Bonnie Henry. Dr. Henry has demonstrated compassionate leadership through her daily press briefings, over the past 6 weeks. If the definition of compassion is “sympathetic consciousness of others distress and a desire to alleviate it”, then Dr. Henry is the definition of a compassionate leader. Her presence is warm, intelligent and sincere as she acknowledges how challenging her requests of us are. She has asked the public to do hard things; stay at home, don’t hug loved ones you don’t live with, close your business, juggle work from home with kids who are learning online, and the list goes on.
Dr. Henry has delivered challenging messages and asked us to do hard things, and yet there is an overwhelming feeling of respect and admiration for her and we, as British Columbians, have followed her lead. What sets her apart is that she acknowledges our feelings, she doesn’t minimize the emotional toll, and she shows us, in small moments, that she also feels sad and frustrated. Her compassion for us shines through. We began to trust her, and follow her instructions because we felt seen and understood, and we knew she was working to make the right decisions in our best interests. I am grateful to Dr. Henry, the brilliant scientist, who has navigated the biggest leadership challenge of her career in a very public way.
Self-Compassion
What does self-compassion have to do with leadership? I would have had a hard time answering that question 10 years ago when I was leading teams with an internal sound track that said “you need to be better at this'' or “how come you don’t know what to do” or the classic “if you make a mistake, people will find out you aren’t qualified for this role, and you will get fired”. Are any of these soundtracks familiar to you? I have often had a loud inner-critic show up and narrate a story about my leadership skills that kept me playing small, and even avoiding opportunities because of a fear of failing or just not being good enough.
In her groundbreaking book Self-Compassion, The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Dr. Kristin Neff explains how to shift our inner dialogue to incorporate compassion: “Unlike self-criticism which asks if you are good enough, self-compassion asks what’s good for you?” When I read that, it blew my mind. I thought, does this mean that in times of stress, frustration or overwhelm, I can change the narrative from “you aren’t good at this” to “what do you need right now?” Shifting my inner dialogue from harsh critic to self-compassion is unfamiliar territory for me, and yet the more I practice this mindful change, the more willing I am to get back on the metaphorical horse and head back into the leadership ring.
Lately, I’ve had many moments of negative self-talk as I found myself exhausted and mentally drained in Covid-19 isolation. According to social media, everyone else was enjoying quality family time, starting new hobbies and rediscovering their creative side. I was struggling to get through a game of cards at night with my family and spent most weekend afternoons napping so that I could start again on Monday. Pivoting my business, building my team and holding space for coaching conversations was kicking my butt, and I had to change the narrative from “you lack mental toughness” to a gentler voice that welcomed rest and recuperation as part of the leadership journey.
I have done enough personal development to know that my worthiness is not tied to productivity and accomplishment. This said, practicing self-compassion in unproductive moments is one of my greatest tests. And yet, when I take the compassionate approach with myself, I am able to show up for others with a mindset that keeps me connected to the kind of leader I want to be.
I am learning that self-compassion is where I need to continue to grow if I want to be able to limit the negative self-talk and begin to trust that my worthiness is inherent. I see myself in many of the leaders I coach. The self-criticism voice sings the loudest, and self-compassion isn’t even on the playlist. Practicing self-compassion is an act of courage for leaders, and my mission is to raise your awareness to the impact that both compassion for others and compassion for self can have on your leadership.
Over to you: Where are you planning to consciously practice the compassion piece of the Courageous Leadership puzzle? To read more, visit our website and download your copy of the Courageous Leadership in Times of Uncertainty framework. Get the support you are looking for, to show up as the leader you want to be, for the people you lead.